You know what time it is: It’s time to delve into yet another viral and compelling Am I The Asshole Reddit thread.
In case you aren’t familiar with r/AmItheAsshole, it’s a place where people share their stories and ask if they’re in the wrong for certain (often juicy) situations.
This thread, from u/Fuzzy-Pen-1457 (who’ll from here on out be referred to as OP, for Original Poster), has to do with a man who got preeetty upset with her for letting him buy her drinks all night .
Let’s get into it. Here’s the story, according to OP: “My friend ‘Grace’ invited me to a board game bar to play and have drinks with her, her boyfriend, and one of their friends, ‘Nick.'”
We went to get drinks in pairs, Grace going with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Nick and I stayed at the table and vice versa. So, Nick and I had plenty of time to talk just the two of us. Nick started the night by telling me about his recent career change: He decided to quit his previous job, go to a coding boot camp, and get a job as a developer one or two months ago. He was very proud of himself and his new salary, and told me this multiple times.”
But here’s the twist: OP is a software engineer too, something she neglected to share with Nick. “He never asked me what I do for work, but he talked about his new job quite a lot, occasionally saying, ‘Sorry, you don’t understand that, haha.’ During the entire evening, I never told him I had been working as a software engineer for the past four years because he never asked, and honestly, I found it a bit entertaining.”
“When it came to the drinks, he invited me to every single one. ‘Don’t worry about it, it’s not a problem with my developer salary.’ I told him multiple times he doesn’t have to pay for me, but he insisted.”
However, things took to turn at the end of the night when everyone was saying their goodbyes. Nick took out his phone from her to add the OP on Facebook, and saw that she’s also a software engineer. “He asked me if it was true that I’m a software engineer, and I answered yes. He asked me why I hadn’t told him, why I let him believe I was a cashier like Grace used to be (I never implied that), and why I let him pay for everything when I probably earn more than him.”
“I told him that he never once asked and it was his fault he assumed. He could have simply asked me about my job, but he only wanted to brag about his. But if he wanted me to, I could pay him back for the drinks.”
“He was angry and said I made a fool out of him. I think he did that, not me. But now Grace and her boyfriend are on his side too, saying that it would’ve cost me nothing to tell him early in the evening and I only kept it for myself for my own entertainment.”
People were quick to chime in with their hot takes in the comments. Plenty felt that this one’s on Nick for not letting OP get a word in edgewise:
“Just maybe, if he had bothered to STFU for five seconds, and asked what she did for a living, he would’ve found out that they had something in common and been able to have a real conversation with OP.”
“He was so focused on bragging about his job that he never bothered to stop and ask about hers. IMO, paying for the drinks is just the asshole tax for having to listen to him all night, he sounds obnoxious. (But offering to pay him back was a considerate gesture, and if it was strictly about the money, it should have been enough to avoid further drama).”
Others pointed out how this situation (unfortunately) is not anything new for women in tech:
“Poor OP was in a no-win situation. Shut up and listen to him brag, or say she’s a software engineer with four years of experience and be accused of either emasculating him, downplaying his accomplishments, or having sex with the bosses to get her position.”
“As a fellow female software engineer, I know what this is like, and would have done the same. I have sat and listened to men brag about what they do, and how much they make, and offer to buy me drinks at events we ‘re at…Frankly, if their self-worth is based on their job and they didn’t ask about yours (I would also tell them if they asked, they never do) then they deserved it.”
Some couldn’t help but note the sexism of it all:
“You didn’t ask him to pay for your drinks, and you did tell him he didn’t have to. He insisted. He was sexist in assuming that you didn’t have a job that would leave you comfortable (especially comfortable enough to buy your own drinks!). He was bragging and showing off — only to learn he was making a fool of himself.”
And finally, one person pointed out that Nick pretty much revealed himself the second he made it all about him:
“If they were talking for several hours and he never asked OP about their job, it’s a huge red flag.”